My fourth year of school

I thought I already move on and could follow the flow of my life happily, but this picture proved me wrong. 

If you wonder why I put this picture as the first thing of this entry,  I would say because I somehow could relate to it, I mean the situation this bird was having, the hope from its face, the tilting of head which full of sigh (no no, I think acceptance is more accurate) was somehow seem similar - The thing that differ between me and this bird is that it could fly, as for me, I couldn't.  

I think all of you know it already (because I wrote about it in previous entry) that I'm practicing this so called focusing on ideas instead of people thingy, in which I started to delete my previous instagram account long ago,  open a new one, following all sorts of ideas I love and not approving or following anybody. On scrolling that people-free instagram, that picture popped up. The weird thing is that I'm kind of tearing up looking at that. Seems crazy right. 

Life break me harshly in a unique way. I am physically protected but mentally burned out and spiritually drained. I never knew that life could turn me into a hopeless yet dreamless adult. Life itself is so traumatic that I could only feel secure by doing nothing and being alone. I want to fly away from this unfitting world. I am so tired by my incapabilities, my introversion, my imperfections that never satisfy my perfect expectation. 

However, with multiple tests being smashed directly on my weak points, I could feel the sweetness of La Haula Wala Quwwata Illa Billah,  however, as with multiple failure on those tests, I feel like quitting. TT 

Can it be as simple as I quit medical school, take another degree in mathematics, find a job as a math teacher or a tutor and live a life as a good mother? Having such a simple dream is still as big as dreaming of becoming an astronaut right? It is still a dream of a valuable human being right?  

I have thought of this thing since first year, but the thought on how am I going to pay the fees, on how should I deal with sponsor, on how big will I upset my parents, on how others will look down upon me, comparing me with the brainies of my high school who could happily graduated with MD had freeze me in fear. 

I was really drawn into this particular someone. He is a very respectful, most intelligent young man in my eighteen, but his dream was 'just' to own a bookcafe. I never met any brainies with such a simple dream. Most brainies dream of becoming a professor, an engineer, a surgeon etc. but he is the rarest type. I really wanted to know his opinion on my dream. I really curious of what will he do if he is in my place. I just want someone who is fair enough, who could relate enough yet wise enough to guide me through this. I have waited for him to listen to my story and give his sincere, true and wise opinion for more than five years already. The hope on having him listen to my story one day, strenghten me up to keep fighting. But, when I got to realize that it will never happen, I realize that Allah gave me a memory of him because he wanted me to be here. Now, it's time to be independent. But, I.... I am still really weak. (I'm tearing right now) 

I want to fly to a wide green hills and land smoothly on the carpet of grass, I want to shout this burden out without anyone listening to it and without no one judging it, this MD is full of judgement. This MD that I'm working on is harrassing my value, my integrity, my principle and myself for so long that I could not cope with it. 

I am still following the flow of my life, with a very tiny hope that one day, I will be free. 

" As I sit at the river bank, I realize that the life under the river swim against the flow, but the dead will only follow"

" like the bird, flying across the ocean, shading under the hot glaring sun, passing through the drenching heavy rain, not particularly it has a destination to reach, just that it has to live as a bird. "