How can

How can a single word 

becomes so comforting

I thought it's a signal from God

telling me you're the one

How can differences

become so attractive

I thought it's God

pulling me to you

How can a mere attention

become so significant

I thought it's God's love

shown through you

Since when I don't know

My heart flutters with your presence

This heart is tough, but it resonates..

I thought it's God who allow it.

How can I know the single word 

was just a blurt, 

the attention was fake, 

the flutters was hormonal? 

It is my first life.

It is my first time.

Do I deserve this confusion?

I'm hurt...

thinking you are a light from God

when you're not

I blow the light away

but it is too dark that I'm afraid to live 

I'm afraid to move

I'm afraid to be myself

Why do I deserve this illusion?

Why do I deserve this misinterpretation?

When I always seeking God in all decisions

I thought I've move on

But I guess I'm not

because I'm still crying writing this

I'm still hating myself

to have believed what I believed before..

Because of the belief

I can't see the light anymore...

5 July 2021