Sigh

Letting all out in this blog is actually of help at certain points

Yesterday, after crying the hurtful feelings out 

I managed to resolve some issues 

Not all but some... at least I felt better, a tiny bit.. I came into conclusion that perhaps I haven't lose myself.. the me in the past or present are still me. I am not ruined.. my choices are.. my attitudes are.. my routines are..

Even so, I shall believe (I must believe) I can change.. and I know how to change myself for the better. I was burdened by circumstances and have no confidence in living my life.. 

I don't know how.. my heart feels so light right now..

I do not know why..

everytime I have faith in myself to return to Allah.. to change.. to dedicate my life for Him

I got a dream in my deep sleeps..

In that dream.. I met the familiar person.. again

But this time I won't be fooled

Last time, similar things happened.. 

When I got such dream.. I felt hurt and questioning why... making me doubt on myself again and again..

But this time I won't be fooled by the meaningless dream.. (I can finally tell the dreams I got were meaningless)

The old so-called innocent me couldn't do so.. she trusted every dreams she had was from Allah.. in which I just knew, all of them were nonsence and part of the tricks from syaitan. 

I think of all these carefully, sorting part by part to reset things out.

Remisniscing down the memory lane,

There were many downfalls 

But the earlier downfalls were making me closer to Allah.. but why the recent ones didn't?

I had to open the stitches to look into my wound, having it analysed.. for my own good..

After doing so, I think I know why...

My heart in its 18 was so amazed by that creature.. until I unknowingly associate him with Allah.. 

I thought he was brought by Allah to me

I thought he was there to make me closer to Allah through his speech, and advices

I thought he was the one that eligible enough to stay by my side supporting the journey towards Allah

Because he is a good muslim

But, woww.. applause to the creative details and strategies mapped to take me further from Allah..

Because I realise now that the worst choice in my life was to love him.

I shouldn't allow any man to be in my heart even if he is a good muslim.

Even I do nothing about it.. allowing a creature to be in my heart was a big mistake to begin with. 

When I realised that he was not meant for me..

I was jeopardized by the fact.. very heartbroken.. and blame myself for so many reasons.. I doubt my faith to Allah, I was too stupid to think that the feelings was given from Allah.. It could be from Syaitan right.. even the man was a good muslim.. 

I lose confidence.. I lose my faith bit by bit.. I couldn't trust my heart anymore.. I doubt my worth.. I doubt everything.. I'm in utmost confusion.. I hate him.. I want to forget him.. but my daily routine (solat, duas, reading quran, dakwah) was filled with thoughts of him. Perhaps, this test was to purify me.. I had sinned so much without knowing.

My heart should only be devoted to Allah & Rasulullah. 

How nonsence was my thoughts.. I could only laugh right now.. knowing how stupid I am in loving Allah.. How thoughtless I am to think of him in my duas..in my routine.. 

Writing really is good.. 

I might change tomorrow but this thought will remain here.. 

I will be able to see how myself change and grow..

How I live my life

Allah.. I want to be the best in your view.. help me in pleasing You.