S.O.S

I don't know what's going on with me

I felt so heavy

I felt so alone and lonely

Things are stumbled a lot inside my mind

My heart could not take what had passed 

I had lost myself that's for sure

It's too painful 

under invisible cuts

where I could not address or heal

I had lost that's to be sure

Where is the girl who loves knowledge?

Where is the girl who always trying her best to please Allah

Where is the girl who always put her utmost trust in Allah

Where is that girl that is full of dream and hope

Where is that girl who always able to spread love and kindness

Where is that girl who is confident to talk about Allah for those she loves

Where is that girl who devoted all her life for Allah?

Where is the happy girl whom I cherish so much?

Why is this happening?

How is this happening?

What have I lost?

When did it all started?

Yes, I am disappointed with myself

Never ending dissappointments one after another

Yes, I shouldn't blame others but I have to resolved this

I need to let all out

People around me always thought i am good, 

but I too had a downfall, so many downfalls  that during then, I endure alone.. with full hope in Allah..

I trust my instinct too much

I take my emotion as a sign 

During the earlier struggle, 

I became closer to Him that I only have Allah and it is always Allah

I want to study more about Allah and his book

but people around me always telling me to become something in which was known to be great 

but that's not what I want

I'd discussed about it but people never take my words seriously.. they always said I can, they always said I suite the role

I trust my instinct.. and try many ways out.. to reach Him.. but to no avail.. the path for me is exactly following theirs not mine

And I never get better after that

I hate this field so much

I hate being in this environment

People are fighting for recognition

Knowledge is to impressed instead of to be taught or applied

Every day I find myself becoming more and more unaware of Allah

My work as student filled with doing what he didn't please 

When touching the man is prohibited, palpating man become my everyday life

When telling a lie is prohibited, having marks for what I'm not doing become everyone habits to survive

When they taught us to have empathy, they downgrade and mock people as they pleased

When the aurat should be covered, we have to exposed some by wearing the uniform, to adhere their rules

When love for the sake of Allah is true, I had many betrayal from them

I hate all this

I don't want this

I've tried everything to protect my faith

But my worthiness it at stake here.. 

People here are so damn narcissist and arrogant

I lost everything I learn about my faith in school

Everyday I want to run away from this place

But I was trapped, no door to escape

Until I was forced to adapt

Until I am doing everything that is not comfortable with my faith

Until I no longer remember what I learn before

And not even able to remember what I learn after

I have nothing that is mine

If I able to escape right now, I have lost that girl

Escaping will be with no direction

If I still here, I am losing my faith bit by bit

I don't know how to live anymore

Tomorrow is full of fear

Yesterday is full of regret

Today is full of indecisiveness

I want to die

But the remaining bit of faith in me is that I will return facing His anger.

IS THERE ANYONE WHO CAN SAVE ME, 

IS THERE ANYONE WHO CAN UNDERSTAND

IS THERE ANYONE

NO ONE

NO ONE

NO ONE

HOW COME PEOPLE ARE SO SELFISH

HOW COME THE DIFFERENCES BECOME WEAKNESS

I WANT TO DIE

BUT ALLAH WILL NOT PLEASED

I WANT TO LIVE

BUT DO NOT KNOW HOW TO PLEASE ALLAH ANYMORE

I LOSE MYSELF

I LOSE MY FAITH

I LOSE MY VALUE

I'M A LOSER WHO HAVE NO WHERE TO RETURN