The deep pit

Having said that life goes on as usual

I'm into doing something other than studying

I wrote poems and you guys could see them in my previous entries

I listened to so many new songs 

I covered hundred+ of them

Enjoying life like I was recently tought to

Life of those millenials

Life of the youngsters

Being a fangirl to KPOP group

Growing so attached to the members

Thought of fulfilling my youth

Thought of loving myself

Thought of achieving the worldly dreams

Having hundreds in the bucket list

And live life to the fullest

Life with no hope, no soulmate, no heartbreaks

Life that is about me

The life which feed the desire under a mask called self love

Woww... my current state seems swag and fantastic, right? - at least from the outside.

I finally could relate to so many things with my friends, so that means I'm ok, right?

Is this what everyone feels?

Everyone is into KPOP

Everyone is into Musics

Everyone is into Netflix

Everyone is into Fashion

Everyone is into Social status

Everyone is into establishing their dream lists

So I am alright, right?

Yeahh..there was a time when all of these were not my things - I thought them as tools which will bring me far away from Allah and I did not like them at all.

But now, who is away from Allah? 

Shame on myself.

The reality hits me hard after I read the earliest entries of this blog, did I wrote that before?

The reality laugh at me after I could no longer relate to anything I had believed on faith, sacrifice, trials, tribulations, duas and hopes which always being part of the earliest entries in this blog

I even laugh knowing how different I am from myself (can I still call her "myself") at least from 5 years back.

Yeahh I laughed

Guys..

I thought I am happy living like this

Living like everybody else

Yeahh..

Those things I pursue always making me smile

But under those things.. my scar amplified

Yeahh.

Those things take me away from my fears

But under those things.. the fears got bigger & scarier

What is the point of self love

What I feed to myself is never enough

What is the point of being a fangirl

What they did for me is just for the show

What is the point of being beautiful on camera

What inside was pitch black & empty

What is the point of looking successful

What I know the real success is in the end

What is the point of being able to relate to those sad songs

What more similar is we are all Allah's creation

Guys..

You know.. living like this was so hard

Because it could not make me successful in any way

My world is anxiousness & fear

My afterlife is hell

Help me

Please someone help me

Please..

Allah save me..

Haha..

I'm crying again..

But what is the point

I had lose myself