Bullet 2

Dear self,

After the paediatrics exam this morning, 

you've slept the whole day, wake up for some refreshments and got distracted again. Tomorrow there are two papers coming to be answered by you. Why are you like this? 

Dear self, I appreciate your effort to study padiatrics the whole week and take your time seriously in learning the whole thing. I also appreciate that you train your mind to accept failure. However, the paper was aweful, I have not answered two questions for the objective parts due to the time and was not able to perform well in subjective questions despite how focus I am in remembering the details, I still fail to recall. 

Dear self, 

You have worked so hard since first year, you have tried your best to overcome the fears and get yourself therapy by therapy in living your life here, you are still surviving despite hundreds of suicidal thoughts, emotional breakdowns,  self sabotages, physical deteriorations, and etc. However, everyone pushes you to survive as if what you feel do not matter. 

Dear self, 

I know, your lecturers and those examiners are your biggest fear. Meeting them or talking to them or being asked questions from them were the part you hate and fear the most. You fear of humiliation, you fear of being judged, you fear of being misunderstood, you fear of being inappropriate to them, you fear of making them dissappointed with yourself. You had experienced those humiliations, judgements, dissappointments enough that I know it is already beyond bearable. 

You are about to experience this again in three weeks time and you are dying thinking about it. You want to quit and run away from those experiences. You do not want to expose yourself again. You can still survive up till now because you managed to escape from those frightening experience again and again. You want to live on your own without dissappointing others. You want to die. 

Please don't die, don't die.