Embrace myself as hard as I can

Just now, I watched RM's speech at United Nation Conference. 

As BTS was promoting Love Myself campaign, RM's remarkable highlight then was to his past self who's full of mistakes, his present and his hopeful future, they were all part of him, he'll hug that self as hard as he could, little by little, speak himself and proud of his name. 

That remarks touched my heart so much.

I keep on finding the reasons of all misery I felt in my 20s.

It hits home realising that, the one who is the most dissappointed with myself is me myself.

I set the bar high for myself in every presentations, performances, examinations, answering questions, and etc, thus, there were seriel of dissappointments and self hurts I experienced. Even if others expectations on me are also high, I should not be too strict on myself, right. In other words, I am the most cruel being to myself. 

I never ever achieve that bar in my 20s, I never ever satisfied with how I look, how I think, how I'm living my life.

I once got rejected by the one I devoted my heart to, and I am the one who tell myself that I am ugly, not worthy, not on par with him, stupid and not even a good match with him. Again, I hurt myself.

However, to get over this loop, I do not know how. 

I want to work in a field that makes my heart beats excitedly. 

I want to do no harm to people with my incompetencies.

I want to prioritize myself to allow myself heal.

I do not know how to live like a human being anymore.

I want to love myself, love my past, love my present but I can't, I am too incompetent, too weak, too many mistakes I did here and there that I feel like dying. Please save me. 

Tears now cannot be contained anymore, it comes out easily with each sting. I hate myself. I hate this ugly incompetent girl, this weak girl who always make mistakes, this girl who do not know how to live her life, this girl, I'm sick of her. I want her to die. I want her to dissappear and not making people around her dissappointed anymore. I want to hide myself from everybody.