Noon Entry

Last night,

I can't sleep at all,

I ended up hungry and my mind was out of this world,

I thought of my fear, 

I thought of my happiness,

I thought of my life,

Wow, I really living my life like a fool,

wasting time doing nothing...

Scrolling down the food panda app,

not knowing what to order the next day,

Just scrolling for the sake of killing time.

How come I ended up having no motivation at all,

I felt like a plastic thrown into the sea,

Exactly like that,

Like I was thrown into the vast sea,

not be able to absorb anything,

floating and wandering around following the wave, the wind and tide,

following the flow,

A glimpse of me make people look away

A glimpse of me make the sea looks bizarre

Living life following the flow 

Perhaps like the plastic, I am not at a place where I could function well.

This morning, however,

was not really affected by the sleepless night,

I took my bath early,

Pray Subuh,

Watch some videos,

One video after another...

eventually ended up with bangtan ... again.

I feel like home whenever I watch the boys 

I'm in a continuous cycle of confusion, regrets and ponders,

Whether I'm in the right path or not,

Several times already I quit caring about the boys,

and each time I ended up reinstalling the apps, rejoining the group, rewatching their videos, relistening to their songs.

One thing for sure,

I long for such strong kinship - the love they had for each other.

I miss such attitute - enjoying working hard doing what they love

I want to have those who is really proud of me like the bangtan is proud of each other.

I watched a video few weeks ago telling that different people have different needs they strive on, 

The need of recognition or connection or money or power

All the needs are somewhat related to how each of us was brought up.

I think my need might be connection,

Deep inside, I feel so alone 

And I am so tired of being independent 

I'd been like that since primary school

Because of my big size, 

I was treated like an adult since 6yo

I feel that no one sincerely treasures me whether as friend or as family or even as human being. 

Little things make me upset inside

Like how my groupie didn't celebrate my birthday as they did for other members

Like how I felt secluded from their conversations

Like how superficial the people I know towards me

But lately, I found a true friend. 

A friend that makes me feel needed and loved

Why am I getting so emotional right now,

It's definitely rare for me to think this deep in the afternoon 

I came across this videos just now, 

And it makes me wanted to write so much.

The video entitled "how soekjin loves yoongi and back" by jinnie eats.

In the video, Seokjin said this to Yoongi:

"My life changes after I met you guys,

I used to just live my life by going with the flow..

That's why who you surround yourself with is so important,

You are all always so hardworking,

I watched and learned from you guys to work harder,

But if I become an actor,

I may have not been responsible because I'd be alone,

I think that's why our team have such a healthy relationship"

Yoongi replied " but I acted like I work hard"

"Still that is important, it motivates the people around you and when I'm moved by you to work hard, you will be inspired by watching me too"

Yoongi "but for a while I kept regretting it, since I had keep saying that I have to keep working hard, I realised that it was me showing greed, so I regretted it, I do want to work a little less"

"No, this is amount of things you've accomplished, 

say that you've achieved this much from working tireslessly without regret, and what you've achieved so far is amazing, 

then you are left with this many accomplishments (smaller), it's understandable to regret your choices if you hadn't accomplished so much,

But since you've already accomplished so much, I hope you wouldn't have those kind of thoughts, you've gone above and beyond, all of this success was possible because you work tirelessly and live to the fullest without regrets"

Yoongi "I need to regret less to be happier"

"I don't really regret much in life, you can't try to be optimistic, you don't have to try to be optimistic, you just have to live mindlessly".

EVERY SINGLE DAY

I pat myself trying to be optimistic

EVERY SINGLE DAY

I live my life going with the flow

EVERY SINGLE DAY

I regret so much of my past choices

The differences is

Seokjin found those who pulled himself from going with the flow and he was able to keep working hard with happiness and content.

Yoongi already into things he loves (music) and working tiressly without regret until he accomplished so much.

Thus, he can just live mindlessly like seokjin does.

Every single time when I think about my life

Whether after watching motivational videos, islamic lectures or any content.. 

I keep on coming into conclusion that I'm actually climbing the wrong mountain.

Working hard becomes so challenging and depressing,

Even if I'm able to reach the top,

It was not the sight I want to see.