2022 ending update

Hi, It's been a while to write something here.

I've been trying to write after every events of my life, but I was pretty blank minded back then, that I have no word to start writing my stories. Today, perhaps I feel a bit relax. I am sitting on a white bed inside a hotel room. Next to me is my travel roommate, sleeping. After taking shower, organizing my luggage, praying Isya and lying on this bed for while, I have the urged inside me, to say something in this blog. 

Perhaps most of you expect me to tell about housemanship struggle, how I survive the challenge and something related to that. You're not wrong, but what I will tell tonight might be a huge surprise to those who know me and those who expect me with it.

I told you my struggles in medical school and by the willing of God, I graduated successfully. I also had told you before, I have decided to try becoming a good doctor. Thus, after graduating, I made some preparations, joined some preparation courses, applied for provisional license and registered in HSNZ. 

I think I stop my entry there.. 

Yup, I joined HSNZ as houseman on 13th June 2022. I had a week spend on Program Transformasi Minda (PTM) and a week on HSNZ orientation course. I passed both courses successfully. Then, I started working as houseman on 26th June. My first posting was Medical. My first ward was 7E/7C. 

Tagging period at 7E was super exhausting. But, at that time, I was positive. I didn't mind the exhaustion. I tried my very best to finish all the workload. However, I failed every single day. Waking up at 4am, went to work at 5am, having crisis at remembering all the patients important details, at entering the progress, at reviewing patients current conditions, at presenting the cases, at noting the active plans, at taking blood, at managing collapse patient, at choosing the right form for particular requests, at referring cases, at competing for laptop and phone use, at ordering drugs in system, at doing procedures, at emergency resuscitation, I failed them all. My performance were not as I expected to be. For the first week, those failure did not demotivated me, some doctors had thrown some bad words to me too.. but, I'd used to it in medical school. Thus, my first week was scary but not demotivating... not until the patient on my care collapsed in front of me. It was my second week tagging, I was extremely nervous, I was about to faint thinking about what should I do to save my patient. Failure to communite efficiently because my mind was blank, I referred to MO in charge, but, the ward was too busy that it took about 15 minutes to wait. I couldn't remember every single details about that patient, and he was about to die.. MO came to help, asked me to take ABG, I was so nervous and incompetent at that time, causing delay in ABG reporting. The patient was sent to ICU, I must accompany patient, bagging and present the case to ICU MO, once again, I failed to communicate efficiently.. the only thing I could remember about that at that time was, "is it because of me?" that the patient ended up dying? 

That second week, I worked 18 H straight consecutively, that I begin to get chest pain and palpitations the next few days. At 7C, the first day were hell, many "stools" or unfinished work by previous HO were left behind, many referrals need to be made but every trials to reach out failed - They just didn't pick up the phone. The workload was beyond my capabilities, day after day, I couldn't bare the work anymore. I tried to take it easy by leaving the unfinished work because my shift was over. But, the next day, my friend who took over the cubicle was so dissappointed in me. He was so miserable that day. I felt gulity my whole life by that. What should I do, I did not know what to do anymore.. I was overworked and overstressed that every 4am I cried and thinking of killing myself. If I were to tell every single bit it would be too much. Just so you know that the hardship in housemanship is beyond imagination that we could barely eat, pray or even went to the toilet. 

Everyday was filled by fear. Fear of something I couldn't describe. My friend wanted to resign, I want to resign as well. We did our part to quit, but, we were referred to psychiatrist and I was prescribed with anxiolytics and anti-depressants. I was given a week of MC. 8 days passed, nothing changed. I think I was crazy, I couldn't think of anything, did my work like usual but lost myself in return. I want to die but the fear to enter jahannam stop me from killing myself. I want to live but the fear of working endulged me deeply. 

To cut it short, I quit but my friend stay there. 

After quitting, I am slowly becoming myself, eventhough financially not as stable as when I was a houseman, many positive changes happened to me. Yes, my life now is uncertain but I could use my free time to explore and struggle more in what I love. Now, I am working as assistant media officer - do some admin jobs, managing contents, following events and right now, I am travelling to Hatyai, Songkla, Thailand. Pray for me so that I will be able to climb on another mountain. :)